Church of England statement: We love all the forests of the Earth, not just the Amazon.

Denying the allegations that the church is heavily invested in Amazon, Bishop Michael Christian today clarified that the ‘shares in Amazon’ that the church posses are actually the Amazon rainforest and not the monolithic tax-avoiding shopping giant.

“We want to show the world how we don’t invest heavily into trashy companies. We are men of God and not sleazy in any way. There has been a mistake; the Church of England gets all of its wood for our church pews from the Amazon forest. Maybe we do need to branch out though”.

“What about all the deforestation problems in the Amazon and the loss of animal habitat?”.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE, WE HAD TO DEAL WITH THE KID TOUCHING THING AND THEN THE TAX THING AND NOW THE AMAZON THING! WHY CANT YOU JUST LEAVE THE POOR CHURCH ALONE!”.

Both the Amazon rain forest and the company declined to comment on the proceedings with the Amazon saying “they were in disbeleaf”.

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