Local yobs are gathering to sell the UK’s latest craze – self-isolation.
These youths, for just £20, will stand in close proximity to you, usually in a darkened park or somewhere overwhelmingly busy and get you ‘pinged’.
Over a million people have been pinged in the first 2 weeks of July alone. This far exceeds levels of usage for other drugs.
With restrictions set to end on July 19th, we can only imagine there will be more pinging than ever before.
There have been several benefits of pinging so far, including:
· Saving money
· Not having to see friends and family
· Not having to go into the office
· Catching up on all the TV shows you said you always would
· People having to bring you things from the shops, kind of like a modern-day servant
· Getting turnt & having a sick night
We spoke to one local ‘pinger dealer’ who said they would speak to us if, unlike the Test & Trace app, we would keep their identity secret and not sell it to some shady U.S data firm.
So anyway, Dave Tyler, 23, who lives at 56 Brickburn Lane, just off the M6, confirmed to us that he has been out “pinging, like crazy” and he can get us the “really good stuff, none of this fake positive rubbish” he said, coughing up his lungs.
The spit alone made us take a step back. We just wanted to be pinged, not come down with it.
Upon leaving the agreed meet up point, both I and my cameraman got pinged, which is fantastic because it is my Aunt’s wedding next week and I needed an excuse.
One concerned resident, who allegedly lives next to a pinger dealer, told us that he hadn’t left his house in months. Not through fear, but because he kept getting pinged by his mask-wearing, ASBO-having, youth neighbour. Allegedly, his neighbour keeps reporting false Covid tests to gain the ‘pinger status’.
“Why can’t the kids do normal things like play in the mud and take Ketamine, like we did when we were kids. I am sorry, David Cameron, but this is not what I signed up for with your ‘Hug a hoodie’ policy.
We told him that he can turn off contact tracing on the app.
I did not think it was possible to see a man’s soul leave his eyes… but I did that night.
