Rishi Sunak delivers the best budget of the decade.
In his announcement, the chancellor took great pride in announcing since, ‘people on benefits don’t really exist anymore’ that he would be converting those pesky last few into hardcore shopaholics.
“What more could you need to get the economy started other than a Love2Shop voucher and 15% off Nandos”, he decried to the noticeably empty room. “The press must be practicing the 20 metre rule today”, he sparred jokingly to the three of us. You could see the pain in his face, he misses the banking world, he misses his wife and most of all he misses not caring about the poor. Politics is a tough game.
As we leave he calls out “anyone fancy a curry? My treat, 15% off!”
We didn’t.
But we felt bad for him.
So here I am half way through a peshwari naan whilst he walks round the restaurant; gloveless, maskless, clueless, stealing plates from waiters and handing them out to unhappy customers. All the while spitting flecks of Coronavirus directly onto their food.
I get up to leave.
“No don’t go yet, we are going to go to karaoke”.
“That’s enough for me, maybe next budget”.
“Please, don’t make me go back to number 11, he’ll be waiting for me”.
So that’s how it’s 1 am and I am holding the Chancellor’s head in my lap while he cries his eyes out about how they should have gone with the One4all gift cards instead because it’s a more ‘national spirit’ gift card.
