BABIES WERE BORN, PEOPLE DIED, THE WORLD KEPT ON TURNING. THIS IS THE 10 O’CLOCK NEWS.

THIS IS THE 10 O’CLOCK NEWS, WELCOME. I’M HERE, YOU’RE HERE, LET’S DO THIS.

TODAY NEWS STUFF HAPPENED. WE’RE LIMITED ON THE DETAILS BECAUSE OUR WIFI IS DOWN SO WE’RE ALL OPERATING OUT OF THE STARBUCKS DOWN THE STREET.

THERE WAS A WAR, SOME KIND OF POLITICS AND EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING ANGRY. JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.

IN OTHER NEWS, MY EAR DRUMS HAVE BURST, SO SORRY IF THIS COMES ACROSS TOO AGGRESSIVE. I’VE ALSO ACCIDENTALLY LOST MY CAPS LOCK KEY, SO IF YOU’RE READING THIS ONLINE WE ALSO APOLOGISE.

MORE ROYALS ARE BEING MARRIED AND HAVING KIDS. WE CAN’T KEEP UP AT THIS POINT, JUST NAME ONE OF THEM AND THEY’RE PROBABLY PREGNANT.

WAR! WAR IS EVERYWHERE! AND IT’S HELL. THAT’S ACCORDING TO OUR SPORTS CORRESPONDENT WHO BOARDED THE WRONG FLIGHT THIS MORNING DUE TO A TICKET MISHAP. HOWEVER, OUR WAR CORRESPONDENT SAYS THAT BEING ON THE FRONT LINE AT A DIVISION-ONE GAME IS ACTUALLY WORSE AS THERE ARE FEWER EXPLOSIONS IN THE TRENCHES.

LET’S LOOK AT WHAT THE PAPERS ARE SAYING. NOTHING GOOD OR USEFUL, AS USUAL. BUT I SEE THAT THERE’S A NEW KARDASHIAN BABY COMING, SO THAT’S GOOD ISN’ IT. THAT’S ANOTHER 30 YEARS OF CRAP TO DEAL WITH. MORE SHITE, MORE SHITE, SORRY WE HAVEN’T ACTUALLY LOOKED AT THE MORNING PAPERS TODAY BECAUSE IT’S JUST A TORRENT OF BAD NEWS AND WE COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SO I’VE GOT TO DO IT NOW. LIVE. THANKS IAN! IN THE EVENING PAPERS ITS EVEN MORE SHITE. OOOH, THE EUROMILLIONS IS UP TO 70 MILLION. NICE COUPON FOR MCDONALD’S AND THAT’S ABOUT IT REALLY. WE COULD ONLY GET THE SUN AS THE REST OF THE PAPERS AREN’T OUT YET, BUT WE MANAGED TO GRAB THE SUN JUST AS IT WAS SETTING THE INK.

NOW TO JAMES AND THE WEATHER.

AAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT’S GONNA BE SO COLD YOU’RE GONNA FREEZZEEE. YOU’RE ALL GOING TO COMPLAIN SO MUCH. COLD AND THEN MORE COLD. MAYBE SNOW, WHO KNOWS. I CERTAINLY DON’T AND ITS MY JOB. IF I DON’T KNOW, YOU LOT HAVE NO CHANCE. BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIO.

THANK YOU JAMES. THAT’S IT FROM ME. NOW IT’S OFF TO THE NEWS IN WHATEVER LOCAL SHIT HOLE YOU’RE FROM. GOODNIGHT.

LOCAL NEWS:

AAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh……..

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