The Chancellor’s budget unveiling last week failed to reveal a fresh £15 billion for the ‘world-beating’ Test and Trace system.
A program so effective that it has been predicting people who might contract Covid and asking them to isolate before they even do. It has called this operation ‘lockdown’, saving countless lives.
The additional budget increase brings the cost of Test & Trace to £37 billion, a mere drop in the pond, if say, we wanted to restart the British Empire or colonise Mars but a metric tonne when referring to a singular app that. Doesn’t. Even. Work.
The only known photo of the Test & Trace app working successfully…
So what is the money for Test & Trace being spent on?
We sent in our advanced investigating team to uncover the truth.
They couldn’t.
So here is some made up spending statistics that would probably be better than what’s actually happening:
- £3 billion into an effective Eurovision attempt
- £187 million into sign changes for Tesco so it reads ‘Big Tesco’ rather than express or whatever
- £2.8 billion for free broadband for literally everyone, everywhere, even in Scotland
- £25 billion to end UK child poverty
- £137 million for everyone to get a pygmy goat
- Redesign our entire economy through a green revolution, £22 billion
- Spending time with your loved ones, priceless.
The additional funds have been moved across from the defence budget because ISIS who? Am I right?
In the last year there have been no terrorist attacks in the UK. Mainly because everyone’s always inside and nobody cares if a bomber blows themselves up on an empty street. In fact, all it does is pull some municipal workers off furlough, kick starting the western economy.
